Love isn't everything

you are allowed to fall in love, but not to lose yourself in it

“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I’m sixteen, what in the world do I know about love? What do I know about something I never truly experienced, while the image of it is completely discarded in my head? I write about it in my journal. I swirl it into every poem I write —but do I even understand it?

As a child, my head only revolved around romance. I would hope that one day I would find my “prince charming”, and I blame Disney for that (I think we all do). It was all I talked about. I would spend hours imagining and creating my future husband in my head, like: what he would look like, what personality he would have (like mine, obviously. I never believed in this opposites attract thing), how I would meet him, and many more things that took up my mind. I watched rom-coms and read love stories. I pictured myself in every one of them, hoping that this will be me someday

Then, I had this sudden revelation that I guess was hiding till one evening my sister asked me a surprising question — she made me choose between my cat and my future husband. I said my cat immediately without thinking it through. She looked at me as if I had just confessed to a murder. Why would I choose a man over my pet who I love the most? I mean, he wouldn’t be any man; he would be my husband. But then, I would’ve just gotten to know him while my cat would’ve been in my life way long before him. That’s when I realized that I had grown out of the fantasies I tethered in my mind for YEARS. Now, I’m not in any way opposed to love; I just simply stopped flooding my head with the constant reminders of its existence.

With that said, love is still one of the most wonderful feelings. It consumes a person whole. I was always in awe of how someone was able to summarize the many feelings you would feel when in love into one word — love. When I first heard the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, I understood why someone would want to fall in love and stray from it at the same time. The many theories of Orpheus not truly loving Eurydice because of his turning around, the many conflicts I never understood. I thought we all agreed that he turned around because of how much he loved her, but I guess we agree to disagree. Isn’t love also about sacrifice? He turned around because he couldn’t bear to wait any longer. He wanted to hold her and tell her he loves her, but it was too early. Is patience even something to be discussed when you’ve journeyed all the way down and up the underworld to save the love of your life? This story holds so much realism in its fiction. It wasn’t about risking a life, it was about loving someone so unbearably that you give into your human instincts — even as simple as turning around. People seem to also skip the aftermath of that event. He wandered the earth, denying the company of another woman while mourning Eurydice. He later dies and reunites with her. He didn’t give in to the temptation to love another. I guess I’ve said too much about them, but this is what I mean when I say love carries a special beauty that no other feeling can compare. Yet, I don’t center it in my world. I guess it’s insignificant and doesn’t hold as much meaning to me anymore.

Through this revelation, I discovered something greater. One of my worries was how relationships can sometimes completely strip you of your personality and stop you from seeing your friends as much as you did before. I’ve seen it happen in real time. Someone gets into a relationship and completely forgets their friends. I used to want to travel the world with my future husband, but now I want to travel the world with my best friends. When I think of my future wedding, I don’t think about walking down the aisle to whoever will be standing there; I think about the laughs my best friends and I will have while in the process of getting ready. The older I got, the more I started to value platonic relationships. I met my girls and immediately wanted every moment in my life to be shared with them. Through this new revelation, I broke through the typical narrative of a woman who is supposed to marry because that’s the only thing settled for her. I think about the distance that will separate my friends and me when we go to college, and my heart aches (I write this with an ache in my heart). I think about how we won’t be able to see each other as many times as we want as we do now. Even the stress of exams denied us the privilege of continuously seeing each other, so imagine what the distance will do. This is what platonic love is all about. It’s so tremendous, and if I am to fall in love, I would want my feelings to mimic the platonic love I feel towards my friends, because that would mean I feel for a man that I can also call my best friend.

I didn’t swear off love, and I do want to experience it. Whenever I am sad or alone, I crave the comfort of a man — which is rather weird, and I don’t know why that’s the case. But I do want to live this grand story I once fully believed in. I started to think about what I would love to do alone. I started concentrating on myself and figuring out what I want in this life beyond love. What I would want to do in life without the interference of love.

Here is the thing: true love will not anchor you. Someone who loves you will only wish you well and help you pave through the world the way you want, but with a gentle hand holding you through the way. The right person will not take away the freedom you deserve and will be the shoulder you lean on whenever you need to cry. In my religion, Islam, love is something that is valued. Your partner is who completes half your religion. It is something that brings fruit to this world and carries you to your grave. What I love about the way it is displayed is that the way for an ideal marriage is that there needs to be love (mawaddah), mercy (rahmah), and tranquility (sakinah) between the couple (as said by Prophet Muhammad s.a.w). Respect is valued over religion because someone can be so religious but lack respect. Society is what took this and decided to change it. But the one will not dare to go against what I mentioned.

Your partner isn’t your half; he is your complement. You are a whole person who doesn’t need someone to complete you, but to be there alongside you. Love will stick around through hardships. It will be the gentle touch you yearn for, wondering what it is that was missing. Love will be the forgiveness in Eurydice and the turning of Orpheus.

So, what do I know about love? It is something I will not rush, even when I’m an adult, and let it come naturally whenever it’s ready — but for now, I will focus on who I am without the fantasies I made when I was younger. Love takes many forms, and I think people tend to forget that. We fall in love with anything and everything in this world, even if it’s as simple as your favorite movie or food. We love because we can, and I think when people start realizing how easy it is to love, the simpler love will be. Because you will start to love beyond the boulders that try to stop you, you will love even if you don’t believe in it yet, you will love the fact that you’re alive, and you will want to spread it so people can get a chance to feel what you feel. There is so much in the world beyond love, but love is what makes us stable. I wouldn’t be writing if I didn’t love writing. I won’t drink coffee excessively if I didn’t love coffee. There is so much love you give out that you don’t realize. Most of the things you do are the product of your love for them. It doesn’t have to be the center of your world, but you can always revolve around it. It can be the gravity that guides. That’s what I know about love, with little to no experience. (And yes, I would still choose my cat. Sorry to my future husband if you ever see this.)